Monday 1st January 2024
Dear Diary,
I have for some time been intending to put paw to paper and record my experiences since coming to live with my mother, and yesterday’s events convinced me that time has now come. You will be aware, dear Reader, that I am not a wet weather dog or one who enjoys any extremes of weather. Later I will relate my close brushes with death as a result of my mother forcing me out in adverse conditions, but that is a story for another day.
Imagine my chagrin this morning when my mother approached me with my new harness and my smart pink coat, after I had been disturbed all night by the howling of gale force winds and was just settling down for my morning sleep. I stared at her in disbelief, unable to comprehend that she genuinely expected me to venture outside. I attempted to resist by slamming my head down on the bed when she reached out to put my collar on but to no avail. I was ignominiously shovelled into the back of my aunt’s car as they laughed foolishly together about ‘seizing the day’ and ‘starting their new year right’. It must be some kind of winter insanity that has come upon them, the poor creatures.
Thankfully the car journey was not long but then my mother was boldly striding forth, my string grasped firmly in her hand. My aunt followed, making disrespectful remarks about my muscular behind. To start with I thought perhaps after all my mother was merely being considerate, and had brought me to a new location to lay my morning egg. But as we continued across muddy fields into the biting wind and freezing rain, my heart sank and I knew it was not to be.
Numerous times I halted on our path and attempted to turn and return to the car. I turned my head firmly, clearly indicating my opinion that these pleasantries should now cease. Neither my mother nor my aunt heeded my objections and I was forced onwards until finally we descended a steep cliff and made our way across many boulders to an inhospitable beach. I need hardly explain how unsuitable boulder climbing is for an elegant dog such a myself, but I leapt along, agile as a mountain goat while my aunt and mother stumbled and slipped like the incompetents they are.
Arriving at a sheltered sandy spot I was astonished to see my mother lay out my bed and invite me to lie down on the wet ground, while they shed their clothes and made towards a turquoise lagoon which I knew could only bring ill fortune. They submerged themselves in the water and vanished from my sight between the rocks. Overcome with worry I approached the pool, going so far as to step ankle deep into its ominous waters as I faced the fact that I must enter them myself in order to rescue the foolish women. I have long since observed that a kind of water madness comes upon them at regular intervals and they act with reckless abandon. It is a matter of great concern to me that I may eventually be forced to swim once more to ensure their safety.
By now the rain was falling heavily and I began to dash to and fro to indicate my concern and suggest that we should hasten our departure. This time they acquiesced and we were soon once more upon the path towards home. Naturally I wished to stop and sniff at frequent intervals but my mother yanked rudely at me, always urging me onward. Such impertinence is not to be tolerated. I sensed that the rainfall was about to increase and made a final mad dash towards the vehicle and safety. Once home I retreated to the sofa under my blanket and refused to acknowledge anyone but my uncle as on this occasion he had not wronged me. Readers, what an ordeal. I am now quite certain that the woman is deranged.